During this playthrough, I lost my mind.
The following is an account of those moments.
I’d just destroyed the mothership and headed to the pay window to continue playing, when I accidently stepped into some alien gunk and shrank. TIME FOR A GAMEPLAY CHANGE! I then hijacked some kid’s RC car and drove that thing around, slowly making my way through the level. True to life, I wrecked the damn thing after not being able to drive worth a lick yet making a sweet and gnarly jump.
I was starting to warm up to the game a bit when THEY APPEARED AGAIN. THE DUMB HOLSOM TWINS! THE DAMN DUMB WOMEN WERE BUSY PLAYING POLYGONAL GRAB ASS WITH EACH OTHER! BUT AIN’T THEY SISTERS EWWWWW!!!
My brain started to leak out of my ears, but I saw my salvation ahead- they were letting me play with a shotgun, which is my go-to gun in single-player first person shooters. I was giddy until the next setpiece kicked in, and the aiming got all sorts of dumb.
There was no spread for the shotgun, and I was fighting some stupid jetpack using guys, which a shotgun was not made for. I felt very sad at this choice, but I persevered… only to have my brain completely flee my noggin thanks to a simple joke about Halo.
The setup is simple- you meet up with some Earth Defense Force Cannon Fodder on your way to the Hoover Dam to stop the aliens, and one of the punks tells Duke that his green power armor is ready- basically, it’s Master Chief’s SPARTAN armor, har har har. Duke says, “Power armor is for pussies” and the level continues… and even though I had my favorite gun and now had my favorite gun from DUKE NUKEM 3D- the Ripper, a multi-barreled machine gun, something in my brain broke due to the lameness of the joke.
You see, Duke Nukem doesn’t have a set number of hit points; now, like Master Chief, he has regenerating health under the heading “EGO”. Take too much damage without your ego getting built back up, and you die.
Hrm.
It was the sheer easiness of the joke that caused me to snap. Remember, this game had been in development for over twelve years- from its inception to its release, the Halo series has seen FIVE FPS based releases.
FIVE.
Something unintelligible erupted from my throat and I went on a frenzy.
“WHAT IS THIS CHICKEN FRIED LAMBSHIT OF A GAME TRYING TO PULL?!”
I screamed at everything that made its way onto my screen, as their presence infuriated me anymore. I raged at the Pig Cops and their slow, lumbering animations. I switched back to the slow-ass shotgun and screamed as I struggled to shoot down the stupid jetpack wearing assholes. Dozens of enemies fell at my feet after I missed hitting them at least eighty-seven times. I hollered unintelligible nonsense as I grabbed a cache of explosives, and started winging pipe bombs at everything in sight. I screamed so many unpronounceable words that I was sure some forgotten Elder God was going to knock on my door and ask me why I was mad.
Eventually, I fought a boss.
The Battlelord is huge, and after screaming at my controller to work for me because I paid for it with cash, I blasted enough rockets off to wear the dumb thing down so I could rip of its horn and punch it in its balls.
Not making that up.
I calmed down by flinging more explosives, shooting more things, and trying to ignore all the stupidity.
Nothing would prepare me for the complete and utter stupidity that awaited me in THE HIVE…
THE HIVE is so vile and moronic in its’ existence in this game that I’m going to save my rant concerning it for the next post.
The kid gloves?
They’re coming off.
Griff notes that he will finish playing this piece of crap game. No matter the cost.
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