Before I get into it about this Shit On A Disc, a note. No one’s talking about this game anymore and I’m fully aware of that fact. However, as a gamer, I have an obligation to myself… and that is to finish this damn game and share my experiences with you, dear reader. I don’t get advance copies of stuff, and I can’t run through games in one sitting anymore because I, allegedly, have to be an adult and go to work and pay bills and things of that nature.
So, I do this for fun… and unfortunately, this game is not fun for me. I’m slogging through it, and it is the worst $57.99 I have spent on a full retail release in quite some time.
Amazon gave me a two dollar refund the day it was sent to me. I found that funny.
With that said… let me say just exactly what’s on my mind concerning this game.
Fuck this game.
There.
I said it.
Let’s talk about the Hive level, shall we?
THE HIVE, OR: WHY THIS BLOG IS CALLED OLD MAN GAMING
I’d heard a lot about the Hive level and the perceived misogyny and extreme immaturity seen throughout it concerning the subject matter, and I was wondering what all the fuss was. In Duke Nukem 3D, the same basic concept behind the motivations of this level was present- there are women that have been kidnapped by aliens and you have the option to kill the women who’ve been impregnated by said aliens.
However, there’s a difference between the games in the execution of this bit of gameplay, no pun intended.
In Duke Nukem 3D, this aspect is pretty much glossed over. It’s just there, there’s not a focus on it. In DNF, it’s in your face. You can’t ignore it; it’s a part of the game’s DNA, if you will
And it’s FUCKING STUPID. All because of the approach.
Specifically, I’m referring to the crying. And the whimpering. And lines like, “I shouldn’t have swallowed!” or “We swear we’ll lose the weight, Duke!” If the game was actually funny, and if I was seventeen again, then MAYBE… just MAYBE… I wouldn’t mind.
But!
The game isn’t funny and I haven’t been seventeen in fourteen years, so it fails on every conceivable level. I get it, I really do- this game should not exist in this format; it is a relic of a bygone era, and if it came out during it’s intended development cycle, then MAYBE it would be something worth while. Maybe it would be a contender.
But it didn’t, it isn’t, and it’s not.
There’s a forced approach to make this game as juvenile and stupid as possible- and some games can pull that off quite nicely; Bulletstorm and Shadows of the Damned come to mind instantly. DNF cannot. It’s stuck in a mindset so bad and so outdated that anyone with the mental makeup of “Huh huh huh, GTL time, BROFIST~!” would suddenly start quoting Plato and rip the game to shreds out of sheer hatred of what it stands for.
The approach of Duke Nukem Forever insults me as a gamer. I think that’s what pisses me off about it the most.
It’s not a case of “we’re not trying to compete with the Modern Warfares and the Halos and the Battlefields out there, we’re just making a Duke Nukem game” because it is. If it was released alongside those same games, then it is. No one with sixty magical game buying dollars in their hand is going to take a look at Duke Nukem Forever and go, “Wow! This game exists in a class by itself! I’ve just forgotten that there are other games I can spend my money on! Fuck Call of Duty- HAIL TO THE KING BABY!”
But, it’s out there as is, and it exists.
Oh well.
I’m still slogging through it.
The boss of the Hive level is known as “Queen Bitch”, and she has three breasts.
…fuck this game.
Two more posts about this Shit On A Disc and I’m done, I swear.
Griff is procrastinating with finishing Duke Nukem Forever. This means lots of Shadows of the Damned and Mortal Kombat in the interim.
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